Depression. What a little bitch she is. I hate her. I hate everything about her. (I’ve made her a Her to make it easier to channel my emotions!!) But seriously. If you hadn’t caught on already, I hate Depression!! And what sucks the most is that I suffer with depression and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change that…
I remember being young, really young and not knowing why my emotions fluctuated so much. I didn’t understand why some days I felt great and loved life and some days I would just sit in my room by myself and cry. I remember telling my mum when I was 13 that I thought I was depressed, and her words were ‘I’m not putting my 13yr old daughter on Anti Depressants’. And that was that. I had absolutely no idea where to turn so I bottled it all up inside.
I remember being a constant shoulder to cry on for my friends as they went through breakups, heartache, bereavement, abortions. I was there for everyone, always willing to listen, give advice, laugh at the good times and drink away the bad times. But I never felt I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling because that made me weak. That meant I wasn’t coping. Plus no one would care how I felt anyway right?
What made it worse was that’s I didn’t always feel so low! There would be times when I felt fine! I was so, so happy and nothing could stop me! Then one day I would wake up and I just couldn’t face the day. It took all my strength just to get out of bed. But the next day, or the day after that, Bam. Fine again. I couldn’t explain it and it made me angry every time it happened.
Then I went to Uni. I always knew I was different growing up but when I got there I found I could be myself. These people didn’t know me, and I found I got to know myself more each day. I dressed how I wanted to dress and hung out with who I wanted to hang out with. And my depression didn’t rear her ugly head for months and months!!
But then I got my heart broken and to this day, she doesn’t even know she did it… She flirted with me and invited me out and was all over me and then she got with someone else right in front of me and then just walked away. And it ruined me. As quick as that. Done. I sunk into my lowest point and it was only with the help of some amazing friends that I got out of it. Now that may sound dramatic and over the top but that’s just how it was!
But life moved on and I seemed to be fine! The low days were fewer and fewer and I really couldn’t complain about much in my life! I met Sophie and she absolutely changed my life. I could be weird, quirky, stupid. I could be anything! And we laughed. We have always laughed so much! She just gets me. And then things started to get tough again. And I couldn’t keep it from her any more.
I changed jobs and the pressure was so much. Everyone around me wanted everything, all the time, right now. Teaching is tough enough but add a really cliquey, unsupportive department, and long working hours, pressure to get results, as well as children with Mental Health issues who tell you evvvverything…. And add not being near any of your friends who you need and rely on and support you. It all got too much and I broke down. I told Soph everything about my struggles, about how I’ve felt over the years, about how I’ve felt at the lowest of the low. I let it all spill out and it felt incredible. Finally allowing myself to talk about it and explain exactly how I was feeling.
So I went on Anti Depressants and prayed for the best. But after a few months on them I felt that they weren’t fixing anything, and I was just putting drugs into my system that I really didn’t want! So I took myself off them! And decided to help myself more holistically. I knew that my hormones had a huge effect on my emotions, so I started to track my Period, and when I felt my emotions changing I would talk about it. I didn’t take any pill. I just talked about it. Now this isn’t saying you shouldn’t take pills! If you feel that they work for you 100%! Take them! But they just hadn’t worked for me. But talking did. Talking changed everything.
Fast forward to present day and I still struggle every now and then with Depression. She’s still lurking around, waiting for a time she wants to come out and play. But I have her more under control because I’m not ashamed to talk about it. I have THE best friends around me who I know I can tell anything, I have a supportive family who are understanding more and more how my emotions work! (Even if I did scream F**k off at my mum on one of my on one of my lowest occasions, again, sorry about that…!)
But the main thing is talking. If you’re feeling this way, talk about it. If you’ve ever felt this way, talk about it. If you can feel yourself starting to feel this way, talk about it. Find someone that you can trust and talk about it. No one should have to feel alone or like they have no one to talk to about their feelings. There will be someone out there willing and wanting to help you.
Peace and Love,
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